just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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