yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
