They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
