My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
