There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
