i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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