Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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