i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize