I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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