you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize