i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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