I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
