watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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