I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
