someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
