now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize