I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
