On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize