I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
