If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
