lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
