they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize