I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
