By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
