so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
