i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
