pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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