who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
