I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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