There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
