Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Don't make out with my wife yet
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
