I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
