Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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