Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
