Don't make out with my wife yet
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
