just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
