Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
