I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
