Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
