I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
