Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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