I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
