Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
