Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
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