my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
