I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
