i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
