Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
