so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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