if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
