thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I can't turn off my feet"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
