I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
