my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize