one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize