i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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