peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
