i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
