we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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