I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
