So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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