yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
