I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I understand Curling. That high.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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